Where did I go
wrong..? I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness.. |
She loved him -- that was the scary part. After everything that they
had been through, she still loved him. She was sure the look on her face showed
everything that she was feeling at that moment. Anger, sadness, fear -- fear
that they would end up the way that she had seen so many of those relationships
end before.. fear that they would do something that they would later regret, and
that they wouldn't be able to walk away from. Travis was someone she had known
for years -- they had gone through so much together, and she knew
him. The problem was they just couldn't see eye to eye; in her eyes,
he could be controlling, and she was too stubborn to go along with it. In his
eyes, she was confrontational and unable to settle. It was a constant fight
after the other and she just didn't know how to deal with it any longer.
What she did know was that it was
over; She was sure that he knew that as well. The look on his face
showed her as much. "TJ.." She mumbled under her breath, trying not
to yell any longer. Pushing him off of her, she wiped at her face,
angry that she had let herself cry. It was something that she never
did, and if she did, it was always alone; Never, ever in
front of Travis. It was weakness, it was vulnerability -- she knew
it was part of the reason that they were where they currently were;
she could never admit that she was hurt. She could feel herself giving up --
that was exactly what she was doing, and she hated the idea of it.
It was defeat. "I can't do this.." She sighed, taking in a deep
breath in an attempt to control her emotions. "I love you, but..."
At those words the realization that she didn't say them enough hit
her like a ton of bricks. They had been together for years -- they
had their ups and downs, but she never just told him that she loved
him just for the sake of doing so. Moving closer to him once more, she
shook her head in an almost defeated and sad motion, "We have to
figure some stuff out.." She didn't want to leave, but she
knew that was exactly what had to be done if they wanted even a half
a chance at fixing whatever it was that was broken between them.
They had done that a million of times before -- it almost felt like
they were overdue for a breakup. She knew she was going to miss him,
she knew that she loved him, and as she brought her lips closer to
his for a kiss, she hoped it wasn't the last. It took her a second longer than she
had planned for, but once she kissed him everything she felt for him
kept rushing back. It was the same reason they never lasted broken
up -- one always caved and went back to the other, then they did it
all over again. This time she didn't want that. This time she wanted
things to change -- whether it was with him, or without him. Even
though she hoped he'd continue to be a part of her life, she wasn't
going to put them through that anymore. Finally pulling herself away
from him, she gave him a sad smile. "I have to go.." She added,
giving him a hug that felt as if it would be their last, before
finally walking out the door. |