loved him -- that was the scary part. After everything that they had
been through, she still loved him. She was sure the look on her face
showed everything that she was feeling at that moment. Anger,
sadness, fear -- fear that they would end up the way that she had
seen so many of those relationships end before.. fear that they
would do something that they would later regret, and that they
wouldn't be able to walk away from. Travis was someone she had known
for years -- they had gone through so much together, and she knew
him. The problem was they just couldn't see eye to eye; in her eyes,
he could be controlling, and she was too stubborn to go along with
it. In his eyes, she was confrontational and unable to settle. It
was a constant fight after the other and she just didn't know how to
deal with it any longer.
What she did know was that it was over; She was sure that he knew that as well. The look on his face showed her as much. "TJ.." She mumbled under her breath, trying not to yell any longer. Pushing him off of her, she wiped at her face, angry that she had let herself cry. It was something that she never did, and if she did, it was always alone; Never, ever in front of Travis. It was weakness, it was vulnerability -- she knew it was part of the reason that they were where they currently were; she could never admit that she was hurt.
She could honestly feel herself giving up -- that was exactly what she was doing, and she hated the idea of it. It was defeat. "I can't do this.." She sighed, taking in a deep breath in an attempt to control her emotions. "I love you, but..." At those words the realization that she didn't say them enough hit her like a ton of bricks. They had been together for years -- they had their ups and downs, but she never just told him that she loved him just for the sake of doing so.
Moving closer to him once more, she shook her head in an almost defeated and sad motion, "We have to figure some stuff out.." She didn't want to leave, but she knew that was exactly what had to be done if they wanted even a half a chance at fixing whatever it was that was broken between them. They had done that a million of times before -- it almost felt like they were overdue for a breakup. She knew she was going to miss him, she knew that she loved him, and as she brought her lips closer to his for a kiss, she hoped it wasn't the last.
It took her a second longer than she had planned for, but once she kissed him everything she felt for him kept rushing back. It was the same reason they never lasted broken up -- one always caved and went back to the other, then they did it all over again. This time she didn't want that. This time she wanted things to change -- whether it was with him, or without him. Even though she hoped he'd continue to be a part of her life, she wasn't going to put them through that anymore. Finally pulling herself away from him, she gave him a sad smile. "I have to go.." She added, giving him a hug that felt as if it would be their last.